Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
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My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Every haunted house movie:
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk