Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
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“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
this is uni
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.