Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
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My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.