@Dawn_M_

Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.

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@jonnysun

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch

@sissyknits

I told my husband I started seeing a therapist and he was so happy and hugged me…I’m not sure he understood that I meant dating.

@dadofbieber

Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.

@mattsurely

Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.

@OfficeofSteve

Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh

@astutenewf

Whenever I’m behind a college girl in starbucks she has to order a triple mocha dark chocolate raspberry ugg boot white iphone 5 spice latte

@kateberlant

Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch

@darksidesith75

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.

@buhsbaby_baby

I feel like auto-correct should know by now that I’d never ask anyone to “jazz” all over my face.

@thenatewolf

*showing mom how to use her phone*

What’s the blue button with the bird?

THAT BUTTON GIVES YOUR BANK INFO TO TERRORISTS NEVER TOUCH IT!!!!