Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
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Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.