Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
You Might Also Like
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.