Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
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hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
True.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…