Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
You Might Also Like
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed