Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
You Might Also Like
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
How times have changed.
We’re all getting idioter.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Now colored!
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.