Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
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So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.