Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
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Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Black Friday “markdowns” like
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
3% human
97% stress
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.