Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
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im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Why is this me 😫
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support
My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe
Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail