Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I can’t find my glasses

SON: They’re on your head

ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again

I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”

*house explodes into flames*

Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?

I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse

*at July 4th cookout*

3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?

Me: [explains the concept of a country]

3:

3: So where is she? Does America have legs?

Me:

How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?

Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.

[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.

Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced

Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”

Me: “That’s kind of the point.”

“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct

😂

Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.

BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!

*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones

*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*

Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.

Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water

[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ

covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.

[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature

[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender

Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.

After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.

Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.

Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.

💀💀💀💀

Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it

My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

Me: A problem shared is half solved.

Invigilator: sit in the front.

I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug