Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.

Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.

*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.

My parents moved a lot when I was younger.

My sister and I always managed to track them down though.

[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words

Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud

The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person

Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk

Poltergeist: throws dishes

My coworker just told me this funny joke.

A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.

Me: You’re adopted

Ted: What? How long have I been a dop

Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.

I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂

Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?

I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.

Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs

“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”

– Kids

me: i can’t believe you cheated on me

him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it

starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport

Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance

Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?

-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender

[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”

*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.

you have three unread messages

Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal

I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.

People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.

Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.

me: how’d the date go

friend: i got ghosted

me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out

*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?

‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.