Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
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jesus christ confetti not now
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
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I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month