Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
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My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.