Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
You Might Also Like
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
All the stores are selling sexy women’s Santa lingerie because, as it turns out, a lot of dudes, and I mean A LOT, have a thing for Santa Claus.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.