Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
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[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?
Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
waiter: are there any allergies at the table?
me (already drunk): BEES
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.