Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
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“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george