Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Heaven]

Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL

Me: Too soon…

Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.

“I need a woman like you in my life”

Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol

Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused

my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas

[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then

If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.

I know that now.

Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.

I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.

[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth

Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?

Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?

When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.

Who hurt you ?

Me: Monday.

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.

I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.

Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.

Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?

The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?

My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner

Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?

Let’s see her walk backward.

Now diagonally.

Cha-cha real smooth.

People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.

As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.

My dog when she hears popcorn popping

one week till the election

The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.

Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.

God: at least you have a cool name.

Swordfish: so?

God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.

Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?

Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?

Me: [cracks open a can of beer]

Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”

Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper