Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet

I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.

I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT

airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb

But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…

Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!

Jabba: *speaks Huttese*

C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.

I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.

Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.

With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?

Do ducks feel sad?

No, they feel “down”cast.

When it comes to depression, sighs matters

*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”

4yo: Do you want to play pretend?

Me: I already am.

4yo: What pretend?

Me: Shh, you’re not here.

I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.

My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.

Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.

I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.

Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.

[CPR dummy coming home from work]

WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?

DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job

Better than a Justin Bieber concert:

1. Being deaf.

2. A rattlesnake bite.

3. Chewing razor blades.

4. Licking a public toilet seat.

[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]

[.0003 seconds later]

This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done

I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future

when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off

*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*

Kid: But that means-

*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*

“I’m really good in bed”

-Ice cream

Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person

please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!

In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.