@OhNoSheTwitnt

Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.

You Might Also Like

@TheHyyyype

SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*

NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!

SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there

@theSolemnBard

ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world

WAITER: Yes

ME: My compliments to the chef

@NicestHippo

TRUMP: I just killed & ate a homeless man
MEDIA: You’re a monster
TRUMP: This sort of political correctness is what’s ruining our country

@LLBadge

My GPS just did a shoulder shrug and said, “uhm, take a left here?” This can’t be good.

@timdonakowski

“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats

@climaxximus

[creating flamingos]

god: here’s your legs

flamingo: can I just have 1

god: no u have to use 2

flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that

@jeremiahtolbert

Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.