Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
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Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!