SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
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ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
ME: My compliments to the chef
TRUMP: I just killed & ate a homeless man
MEDIA: You’re a monster
TRUMP: This sort of political correctness is what’s ruining our country
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
My GPS just did a shoulder shrug and said, “uhm, take a left here?” This can’t be good.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
i love pizza
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.