Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down

Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.

If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.

[thrift store]

Me: I’d like one thrift, please

Cashier: sir, we sell used-

Me: money is no object

C: we don’t-

M: I need a thrift

Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?

Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.

I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.

Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.

*watching movie with demon killer clown*

Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom

I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.

Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!

we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”

All generalizations are stupid.

As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.

this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school

I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.

The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”

Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare

A) Re-open the park

B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park

Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.

Until you realize you live alone.

When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.

*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*

*puts it on a squirrel*

I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter

Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up

Her: *throws up*

Him: *throws up in her hair*

Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.

I’m not lazy

Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.

He was a Norman Cook.

I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.

Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?

Boss: uh, working

Me: again?

Boss: …

Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.

And I’ve still got time.