Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.

[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.

WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING

Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.

ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*

So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.

My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?

*Flashback to 2014*

My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.

When I face a minor setback

[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die

I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.

– the parent who taught them to talk like that

me: how can I impress my date

friend: buy her dinner

me: ok

[later at the restaurant]
her: what?

me: I said how much do you want for your burger?

I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.

When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo

When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.

It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.

MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!

ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-

M: Archaeologists are stumped!

A: No, we have a good amount of evi-

M: Was it even humans?

A: Yes. Yes it was.

M: Perhaps we’ll never know!

A: *screams*

JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ

TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?

BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not

[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.

If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.

I am so sorry.

casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet

15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule

Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting

Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.

Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air

“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”

mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-

[From outside] LOOFAS!

[out to eat with in-laws]

Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne

Wife: Hey these are my parents

Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water

LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.