Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
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According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Had an epiphany today.
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Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
I love wikipedia
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me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Son: moms and aunts are sisters, right?
Me: Yes
S: Then why do aunts show up with Lego sets, cookie cake and Roblox gift cards, and moms just cook healthy meals and say no?
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.