keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
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The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
The chart results are in…
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
lol
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
