keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
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Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Our new dryer has a “Less Dry” setting for when I want to put on damp clothes I guess.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.