Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
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My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Clients after you give them your rates
Waiting for the Charmin
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
lmaaaaaooooooooo
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999