Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.

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Absolutely no one:

Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*

Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!


7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?

Me: Dad.

7: Then how come you look older?

Me: Santa’s not real.


my nephew is 13 and starting to ask girls on dates. so he asked my brother what was the best way to ask a girl on a date and he told him to find something they were both interested in and ask if she wanted to do it.
so my nephew asked the girl if she liked chicken nuggets.


The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever


My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.


I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.


The Walmart app just updated on my phone and now water autocorrects to soda and exercise autocorrects to Doritos and beer.


Me: *curling my hair*

Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.


TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!