Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
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Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex