Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.

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Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.


If I had to be in the military I’d probably pick sleeper cell agent cause I get tired a lot


ME: time for sleep
BRAIN: what if potatoes could talk
ME: ugh
BRAIN: and make friends with one another
ME: please stop
BRAIN: best spuds


[every morning]

Me: Want to go outside?
Me: Outside?
Me: Go outside?
Me: Let’s go outside!
Me: Fine.
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.


I’m basically only good at three things:

1. Programming
2. Counting


<– Spends a good 10 minutes removing the stuffed animals from my bed before we get down to business. But Rupert stays, he likes to watch.


Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”

Me: Yeah boyee

Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.


Arranged my own kidnapping.

Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.

I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.


[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*