Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
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[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
“Can I get you to-”
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…
– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
[using ouija board]
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Day 8 of quitting smoking: I have 376 gallons of blood to donate. Various types. None is mine.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Saw this cutie pie on the side of the highway this morning
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.