Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
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When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.
Who chose this font
