Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
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Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you