Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
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You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Same pineapple, same
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
could’ve been anyone
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.