Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
You Might Also Like
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
We are never ever ever getting back together 🎶
Tupperware lids
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.