Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
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You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
ME: Colman Domingo would make a great Hermes in the Hadestown movie
GUY WHO I’M TRAPPED IN A CAVE WITH: cool but I meant ideas about how we get out of this cave
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.