Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
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I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
plums roundup
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.
BANK MANAGER: Get out!
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?