Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
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Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
i wonder why they stopped looking
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
is it too early for christmas memes
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.