keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
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it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.
-husbands everywhere
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.
🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Me: Head shoulders knees & toes
Doctor: ok no problem
Me: eyes ears mouth & nose
Doctor: that’s a different guy
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.