Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more

When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.

Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick

“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”

– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate

I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.

kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it

Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.

me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*

Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?

Door frame: *exists

My shoulder: MUST. RUN. INTO. IT.

Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.

Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.

I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment

*The British. The British need to hear this

You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.

This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies

Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.

I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”

Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.

“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”

-I say to the person I don’t remember.

I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.

ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby

ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here

isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange

Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

I’m pretty like a car crash.

Barista: Latte for Waldo

Barista: Do we have a Waldo here

Barista: Where’s Waldo

Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that

Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.

My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.

guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics

Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit

when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go