Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
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Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.