Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
You Might Also Like
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
This dude got his own movie?
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
“The weatherman isn’t real!”
-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
BEETROOT
Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with meBeetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea#NationalPoetryDay
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s