Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
You Might Also Like
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Are you a cat person or a person person?
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.