Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
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Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?