Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
You Might Also Like
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
nature’s most graceful animal
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af