Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
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Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
i lied there’s no sex. stand over there and tell me if this painting im hanging is straight
The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.