Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan

the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.

me: *comes down to grab some water*

mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?

mil: are they happy with you?

me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂

The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.

Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible

Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.

Dentist: You can rinse now.

What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine

My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”

😂😂

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious

The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?

*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *

Why does everyone on this bus hate me?

My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.

coworker: I might have to get a new doctor, it’s impossible to make appointments with them! they don’t answer their phones or return messages.

me: ask them who their CEO is

My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.

God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead

[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good

I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.

I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.

Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!

Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.

People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.

I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.

Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack

I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.

Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula

Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?

A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?

The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.

You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.