Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
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You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
constantly working on myself.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.
If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.
He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”
Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*