Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
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Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call