Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
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With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Your secret is safeish with me
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
the simulation is moving too fast