Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most people quit when their ahead

Then there’s me

Hi

How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?

Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.

When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.

I know this now.

pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”

i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice

Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)

SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman

ME: there is no bogeyman honey

SON: he’s not real?

ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago

SON:

ME: there was so much blood

SON:

ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer

Me: No.

My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.

me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.

To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you

HUSBAND: Why are you late?

ME: I was at church.

HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?

Them: I know you mean well –

Me: I absolutely do not

I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.

my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever

me:

My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂

I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?

Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.

Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.

Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.

3yo: no five more things!

Me: no, one more thing.

3yo: yay one more thing!

Bless their stupid little hearts.

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”

I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.

[Company Christmas luncheon]

Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?

Me: Ugly sweater contest?

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”

Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.