Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”

I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”

Them: oh I was just talking about you!

Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha

Them:

Me: oh

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.

All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons

Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book

Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.

I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.

unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]

“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it

Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.

Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?

Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.

The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.

Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.

The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.

Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.

He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.

*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*

*wakes up in Emergency*

I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.

Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop

When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver

If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not

Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.

Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”

“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”

Slave: I know a way to escape

Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.

I’d hang this in my house.

Doctor: Questions?

Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?

Him:

Me

Him: She’s a baby

Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.