Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i don’t like talking about myself

random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’

me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old

Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.

I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.

me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point

waitress: oh thank god!

Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.

may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.

Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.

Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.

When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?

Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?

Me: Are you surprised I like kids?

Him: I’m surprised you had sex.

My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up

I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car

I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣

Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours? ⁣
⁣

Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?

God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.

Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.

For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.

Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.

Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.

Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!

Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you

[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here

I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.

Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder

I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered

Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.

My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..

We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.

I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too

Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.

Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?

Me: 👌

Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare

Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?

I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.