Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?

8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.

*Both start laughing*

Sombrero is better than nobrero.

*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*

“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”

i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue

Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!

me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]

fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO

I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”

Squirrels: 1,538

My dogs: -17

Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.

She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”

And I said, “That’s a mirror”.

Which was nice.

whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush

I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney

So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”

*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*

“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”

[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*

ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie

THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?

ME: Oh yeah

You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside

Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨

Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…

Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR

Barista: Latte for Waldo

Barista: Do we have a Waldo here

Barista: Where’s Waldo

Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that

my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical

Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.

Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.

You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!

I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters

I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.

[first day as a server]

guy: “can i order something off-menu?”

me: “well, that is how menus work sir”

Do robots dream of electric sheep?