Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.

Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol

[at home]

ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed

me: well..what’s the problem

ac repair guy: just shit in the filter

me: wait..to fix it??

[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.

Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc

I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.

-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas

Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.

[rap battle]

Opponent: *crushes it*

Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently

Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.

Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.

I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.

Ooops wrong house😂😜

The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.

Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!

Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille

My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too

DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft

*dresses like a kitty*

*climbs tree*

*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*

You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.

“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”

*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*

Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “

*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*

Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.

Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.

8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.

I’m sorry what now?!

YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.

The women working in my office will wear a live bear on their back if it’s lower than 71°

Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.