Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
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My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
The future is now.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities