Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.

Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.

Ma’am…

(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)

When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars

Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold

People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.

Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends

Things that are dangerous-

-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks

“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”

“Eels?”

“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.

ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.

HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?

ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.

If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.

*both typing*

5:02pm
you: babe i love you

5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty

I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now

Doctor: What’s the problem?

Me: Our baby cries all night

Doctor: That’s quite normal

Baby: ALL NIGHT

Doctor: Holy shit

H: I think we should see other people.

Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.

Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.

fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha

woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”

Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it

Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.

Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.

Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?

I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.

There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.

Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.

Him: You hit me three times!

There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.

Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:

“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

#NationalGardeningDay

I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.

Kidnapper: we have your wife

Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!

I hate people who make grandma mistakes.

“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”

*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*

I know what I said.