*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
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My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.