Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.

My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.

Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?

Me: No

B: Tell me our company policy

M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober

As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.

Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.

orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang

This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much

Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.

[graduation]

…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*

[crowd cries]

*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”

“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”

[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]

“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”

I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.

[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating

[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ

I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.

Him: what are you doing

Me: gas is so cheap right now

Him: ok but–

Me: *continues filling bathtub*

Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd

Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.

Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……k

That’s how a good marriage works people.

Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.

Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe

HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations

Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.

I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”

Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.

Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.

I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.

But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.