Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.

“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”

Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?

Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?

Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?

Talk about a bad egg

Another Netflix price increase? Guess we’re only chilling now

cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking

me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts

cop: no I’m just high—wait a second

me: too late ur under arrest

One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats

The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.

Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here

ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand

DATE: ??

ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor

(First date)

Her: I like men who take charge.

Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*

my first executive action as President would be no more pineapple on pizzas. a close second would be putting toddlers in jail who cry over receiving the wrong color cup they’re given.

me: my boss is working me to the bone

my dog: hell yeah

6:There’s a monster under my bed

Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM

6:SCREAMS

ME:KIDDING it only eats kids

fireman: where is fire

me: in my heart, i love y-

fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt

Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.

Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.

Me: what should I say instead of bull-

Wife: shhh say snake instead.

Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?

Me: *googles ‘math’*

Me, starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit

9am: one slice of cake instead of two

Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad

a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”

movies are BACK

when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating

DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:

– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad

– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise

– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral

– there’s like a groom or w/e idc

[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh

harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard

dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you

harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-

dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows

harry: hell ya

dumbledore: one is your blankey

This is one of the best videos to ever exist.

Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.