Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.

gandalf:

jesus:

gandalf:

jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too

gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff

I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*

People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer

Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.

A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.

9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*

If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.

Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.

Dawn’s coming over.

“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”

*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.

Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.

Cndnsd Mlk

*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*

Ok, weigh me now.

Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”

And he can, he can hold them all.

[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…

My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind

Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.

My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”

Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495

They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most

“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.

knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’

wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake

I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.

Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late

Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*

Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.

What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?

I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits

My horoscope said I should kiss you today

Five Guys: that’ll be $75

Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there