Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes

ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang

SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?

ME: I have no idea

Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?

Lawyer:

MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.

I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”

[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water

[Hospital]

Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition

*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”

Therapist: Go to your happy place

Me: Ok

Therapist: Good, where are you?

Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins

Therapist: I’m sorry, what?

Me: The beach, I said the beach

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos.

Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:

“spicy wet cheese”

*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]

Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.

Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.

Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.

Don’t snitch tag.

Bruh

The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”

Apparently.

My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands

She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.

You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.

Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.

[First day as a psychic]

Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.

Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning

Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs

[job interview]

-Describe yourself to me in one word.

-poor

Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.

Puffer fish: Dammit.

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”

I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics