*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
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Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now