@EyeSeeYou619

[keeps slapping empty glass ketchup bottle until the entire cafe is silent]

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@NikiWithIssues

I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.

@dafloydsta

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS

@Rlpihl

Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.

@DaddyJew

Honey, I’m stopping off at the liquor store, what do you want for Christmas?

@rcromwell4

“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”

@Its_Just_Reese

Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”

Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!

Other judge: Security

Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!

@BoomBoomBetty

[calculating calories]

Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374

@ibid78

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, Jesus turned it into wine.