invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
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Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey