I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
[keeps slapping empty glass ketchup bottle until the entire cafe is silent]
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I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
How do mermaids call their friends ?
With their shell phone!
Honey, I’m stopping off at the liquor store, what do you want for Christmas?
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, Jesus turned it into wine.