{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
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Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?
[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
I don’t want to exacerbate things. That would just make things worse
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed