{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
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Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.