{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
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What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
greetings!
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
No point crayon over spilled milk.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?