{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
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(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…
I’m never going to recover from this.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.