Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990

My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.

I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.

Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –

my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]

wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!

wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink

*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*

Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.

[at a chemistry convention]

Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”

Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”

my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo

iPhone X

Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on

BOSS: this is our mortician, david

ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite

DAVID:

ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?

DAVID:

ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ

They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette

I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”

If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.

5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.

“This syrup tastes funny…”

-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes

Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating

They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.

I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves

Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Age 40: I want my toilet to flush

Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?

Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that

“Call me crazy bu..”

You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.

*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”

*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*

Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?

Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”

Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?

I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.

Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.