Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.

some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”

Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.

listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth

“YOLF!”

– immortals, probably

[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”

This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.

I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today

*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village

God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open

Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*

spider: yeah that way’s fine too

I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.

[reading Harry Potter]

Me: Do you know what’s going on?

3-year-old: He went to lizard school.

I’d correct her, but her version is better.

Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.

God’s Wife: I just need some space!

God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)

If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday

Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning

ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog

Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.

[Everyday]

Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?

Hubs: what?

Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.

lol

The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.

*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*

When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.

Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?

[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]

Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?

Me: I’m up.

My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.

Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper

I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.