Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.

I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.

Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*

My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water

You: Help! I’ve been shot!

Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.

My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.

I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need

Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.

my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words

The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”

One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is

“You know…”

[takes drag of cigarette]

“That energy bar is full of sugar”

[exhales]

The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.

applying for a new job

The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB

If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.

Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.

the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell

I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.

Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time

What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.

Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.

Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:

A thread.

Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?

Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?

[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no

I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.

Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.

Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.

*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd

If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone

I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.