Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.

When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”

Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.

Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.

My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.

Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: Us.

Wife:

Me: You’re leaving us.

Wife:

Me: Also, why?

Wife: *Sigh*

Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.

COP: Know why I stopped you?

MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?

COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken

Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?

*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*

Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.

Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?

if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there

Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”

Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*

5-year-old: Who’s there?

Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.

5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?

Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.

an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.

me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol

waiter:

me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha

waiter: where are ur clothes

I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby

70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.

[watching the Lord of the Rings]

Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?

Wife: Sauron’s Wife.

Me: but he’s not married lol.

Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?

Me:

Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.

Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?