Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk

Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.

Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?

The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk

My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up

My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.

BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula

my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research

“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*

I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.

*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?

[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9

[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”

Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all

Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?

Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?

Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.

being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat

*Hears loud noise*

Me: What are y’all doing?

5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!

This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.

It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.

[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up

My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better

*Discussing the school nativity play*

Me: Who’s Mary?

7: She’s Jesus’s mum.

Me: Yes, who’s playing her.

7: Dunno.

Me: Who’s Joseph?

7: He’s Mary’s husband.

Me:

One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!

*puts on new Fitbit*

*steps on scales*

Welp, this is bullshit!

Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.

Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.

*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*

You’re free now

if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them