Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.

You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.

THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW

I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.

We couldn’t just…..find their homes?

I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now

I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand

When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?

Oh, I went there…;)

Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…

I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC

My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.

Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.

How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?

“It’s not about the money.”

-people with money

Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.

I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows

This could be the Alcohol talking but….

OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!

To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!

Haters gonna hate.

Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…

I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.

“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before

This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.

I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.

Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.

“did I catch you at a bad time?”

– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober

The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.

Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.

My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.

We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.

[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.

Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?

Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.

Her: …

Me: …

Her: …like…like from rugrats?

Me: …he had a wagon